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Kids Are Energy Vampires
Every afternoon there comes a time when I am positive I will not make it through the night. The time the realization hits varies, but not the feeling. I know I’m mentally ill (and the fact that I know...
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A Re-Cap Of 2013
Dear Esteemed Reader, My kids turned 8 and 9 this year, and with that came the glories of teen angst. They by turns informed me that they hated me, hated themselves, and hated each other. Also, there...
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Should I Date A Much Younger Guy?
Last night I took myself out on a date and got a little fresh. I gazed into my own eyes, played footsies with my other foot, and used a vibrator shaped like a Chapstick to get myself off in the...
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I Hope My Kids Don’t Peak In High School
On Friday nights I sometimes take the kids to watch High School basketball. They love it at halftime because they get to shoot hoops. I, on the other hand, am so bored that I am actually checking out...
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You Know You’re Quitting Smoking If
1. You feel enraged and over-sensitive at the same time. The only reason you’re not going to kill someone, is you’d cry for too long afterwards. 2. You’re trying to tell yourself a sugared donut is a...
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I’m Martha Fucking Stewart Minus The Jail Time
I made this dinner and impressed my kids. My new best friend is an amazing cook and stayed on the phone with me every time I started to panic. I’m a catch I tell ya…what do they say? “Cook in the...
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The Trucker Of Vibrators
The VibeRite personal massager from Kinklab is based on the Hitachi Magic Wand, the gold standard of vibrators featured in some of my favorite porn and also more expensive than the VibeRite. The...
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The Get You In The Mood Vibe
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a… what is it? Last night I didn’t feel like masturbating. At. All. I spent the entire day at the baseball field with my kids, and by the time I got home, cooked dinner...
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If Depression Were Cancer, I’d Be Getting A Lot More Attention
I have suffered from depression since I was roughly seven years old and yet depression is still not treated as what it is, an often curable but sometimes fatal progressive illness, just like diabetes,...
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Ask A MILF- advice on sex, parenting and/or mental health. Column#1:...
Dear MILF, What is the best introductory level dildo I could introduce my wife to? She loves ass play and I’m all about the chocolate starfish. Please help. Reggie Fontaine Dear Reggie, This butt plug...
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My Kid Said He Wanted To Die
For some parents this wouldn’t be a big deal. We all know that kids say the darnedest things don’t they? Yet somehow I can’t see this on the eponymous Bill Cosby hosted show. But for someone who has...
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You Know You’re A Slutty Mom If…
1. Your kids are so used to you doing the “walk of shame” they think that’s how your hair’s supposed to look. 2. You pick up your kids and instantly worry about them touching “that hand” because you...
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I May Be A Slut But I’m Still A Lady
Hook-up culture can be so mystifying. You’re going to perform an intimate act with a near stranger, and yet you don’t want to give up your self-respect with your orgasm. I’ve noticed that men are prone...
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Why I Don’t Want Your Husband
Cameron Diaz, who is my spirit animal, recently shared in an interview that she feels she makes her married friends uncomfortable. In her view, it is inconceivable to her friends that she has chosen to...
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7 Things I Never Knew About Parenting (But Have Learned The Hard Way)
1. It’s awful because you love them. If you didn’t love them, you could leave out a food dish with a little water bowl, and let them fend for themselves. Instead kids are more high maintenance than a...
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10 Most Depressing Things About Having Kids
1. When they’ve hurt themselves and you can’t do anything other than sit there ineffectually holding ice while they look at you with accusing eyes (as if you made them fall down.) 2. They reflect all...
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Please Buy My Book
Many of you have read my blog for years and told me what a difference my writing has made to you. Right now my memoir “I’ll Be The Death Of Me” is only 12 bucks and change, it took me many years to...
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I Hate My Life
To be fair, it probably wouldn’t matter what kind of life I had; I would probably hate it. Whether a Sherpa in Tibet, or a princess in Abu Dhabi, I suspect my brain would still tell me everything is...
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Our Jolly Trip To The Pediatrician
My two sons, aged 9 and 10, are currently in “conditioning” for tackle football, to prepare them for their first ever season. They get yelled at, run around like maniacs and bash each other with giant...
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Re: My Application for Girlfriend Status
Dear Sir, Thank you for reviewing my application to be your girlfriend. I place a lot of time and effort into being someone whom someone else might potentially want to make a life with, so I appreciate...
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